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Declaration of Independence

We’re leaving you. We think that God, and logic, are on our side.

Look, we’re equal. We have rights. But your government is destructive, so we’re making a new one. We thought it over, and we concluded that you’re a shitty, horrifying human being. Here’s some proof:

  1. You don’t respect laws. You delay making new ones and you don’t follow existing ones. You say you’ll only pass new ones if we give up our right to representation.
  2. You assemble lawmakers at weird times, in weird places, to try to tire us into agreeing with you.
  3. You keep getting rid of our representation whenever we disagree with you, and you won’t let us elect new representation to replace it.
  4. When you keep changing your mind, you leave us vulnerable to attack.
  5. You won’t let more people join us over here.
  6. You want to increase taxes on our land.
  7. . You won’t establish a justice system, and you completely own the judges by making them dependent on you.
  8. You randomly make-up offices, fill those offices and then send those officers to fuck with us. You also send armies to intimidate us, even though we’re not at war, and without our consent. You want these armies to have power over us, and you want us to be subservient to you.

So, given all of that, here’s what we propose:

  1. Stop making us host your dumb soldiers.
  2. Stop letting them kill us without consequence.
  3. Stop blocking us from trading with the rest of the world.
  4. Stop taxing us without our consent.
  5. Stop depriving us of fair trails.
  6. Stop shipping us back to England to stand trial for fake crimes.
  7. Stop trying to intimidate us by growing your empire (we’re not impressed).
  8. Stop ignoring our laws and government, and stop suspending our legislatures.
  9. Stop waging war against us from afar.
  10. Stop plundering our seas, ravaging our coasts, burning our towns, and destroying our lives.
  11. Stop sending your armies to kill us in increasingly barbaric ways.
  12. Stop kidnapping us, and then forcing us to kill each other, or be killed.
  13. Stop trying to convince the Native Americans to kill us.

Look, we’ve complained about this stuff previously – like a whole lot – but you don’t really seem to care. So we’ve concluded that you’re a massive dick and that you probably shouldn’t be our leader. Please tell your friends to back the fuck off (we tried asking, but they won’t listen). As of now, we have no choice but to consider them enemies and rise up against them.

This is all to say that, heads up, we’re declaring our independence from you. From this moment on, we’re independent states doing whatever the fuck we want…

…and doing it together.

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